The affective flows of shame : hearing women’s stories of coercive control : a thesis presented in partial fulfilment of the requirements for the degree of Master of Arts at Massey University, Manawatū, New Zealand

Abstract

Understanding the shameful statistics of IPV and the ongoing normalisation of coercive control in Aotearoa, I became curious about the invisibility of coercive control in our everyday lives. How do women in Aotearoa recognise patterns of coercive control where colonial patriarchy produces heteronormativity as a condition of our everyday lives. Where does ‘normal’ end and ‘abuse’ begin? This research is located within the cultural conditions of Pākehā millennial politics through the voices of five women in a process of relational meaning making, as we make sense of our missing affective histories. It is through collective stories of our missing affective histories that we can gain a deeper understanding of the intensities and entanglements of affect that linger as shame in our bodies. Storytelling as methodology enables us to reflect on our past experiences as we make sense of how they affect our present and our futures and as we make sense of the affective memories that linger in our bodies, the process of narrative responds to our silence evoking empathy in our connections in relation with others as we move together in our capacity to affect and be affected, to move us into action. As a relational process of meaning making, the process of meaning making moves delicately and responsibly with telling, listening, hearing, writing and re-imagining our futures. The analysis is a process of remembering, together, as I follow Mouat et al. (2025) to hear the little stories, the mundane ordinary stories in the normalisation of gendered power relations, to bring to life the patterns of coercive control in the conditions of our everyday lives. Beginning with stories of love, we recognise the slow creep of entrapment through the normalisation of gendered responsibilities as we care for our partners, until we live our lives through the unreality of our partners, and our deeply embodied feelings of shame. Through the process of storytelling, I heard little stories that connected in the process of collective storytelling, into stories of love juxtaposed with abuse. And as I listened to the affective flows of meaning making, I heard stories of movement embedded and embodied in painful memories of entrapment and resistance through the long process of leaving and movement towards freedom. It matters what stories tell stories, and it matters how stories are told. The analysis is a story of fragments of embodied memories, so that through our missing affective histories we can come to a deeper understanding of the intensities and entanglements of affect that linger in our bodies long after the relationship ends. These are stories of courage that recognise the affective violence of coercive control, so that other women may be able to hear, relate to, and be moved by them. The intimate process of meaning making became possible through affirmative ethics and the potential of listening to stories of pain for real through our collective affective histories of embodied knowing. I recognise too, that hearing these stories provoke a wide awakeness (Fine, 2014) to the experience of coercive control, as we tell our bodily intensities through stories of rage, of pain, of shame, which like violence, are affective processes embedded in the gendered conditions of heteronormativity that are enacted and embodied, to re-tell our stories with strength and purpose toward living more safely.