“Fumbling in the dark” : an exploration of the lived experience of female, adult children of divorce : a thesis presented in partial fulfilment of the requirements for the degree of Master of Arts (by thesis) in Psychology at Massey University, Wellington, New Zealand Aotearoa

Abstract

Divorce is a major time of adjustment for children, bringing numerous short- and long-term impacts. Research here often focuses on the impact of divorce in explanation of intergenerationally transmitted unstable and unhealthy relationships. Little is known about the lived experience of adult children of divorce (ACD) who, despite experiencing parental disharmony and/or parental divorce, experience long-term romantic relationships. This study explored the lived experience of ten Aotearoa New Zealand women (18- to 45-year-olds) who experienced parental divorce prior to turning 18 and were in a relationship of over five-years. Narrative captured through two, one-hour virtual interviews was explored using Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis. This facilitated analysis of participants’ insights into the multiple realities of parental relationships, divorce and subsequent influences on their own relationship journeys. Participants’ journeys featured persistently “unhealthy relationships” built on a lack of understanding for how to do relationships and how to communicate effectively because of what they observed or did not observe within their parents’ relationships, but also their parent-child relationships. Traumatic experiences of parental disharmony and/or divorce were exacerbated by an absence of emotional parental support and invalidation of needs within the context of changing events. This diminished participants’ self-worth, informing the unhealthy behaviours that underpinned their journeys. Critical self-reflection and change assisted participants’ transition from unhealthy relationships informed by confusion and isolation to healthy, safe, and joyful relationships. Findings reinforced the need to genuinely accommodate children’s emotional needs and developmental stages beyond the mechanics of physical needs and custody arrangements. With a view to facilitate ACD relationship journeys uninhibited by parents’ relationships, considerations for the wellbeing of young people who experience parental disharmony/divorce are made, including role modelling effective communication, anticipating children’s emotions without presumption, parents as emotional resources, and external resources.